Korean cyclists

Korean cyclists off the river path are much more friendly. The majority will return a nod and smile. I suspect it is because we can actually share an experience.

I prefer the mountains out of Seoul which take some time to get to. The Koreans on the river path generally use MTBs and cycle in their top gear at ridicuously low cadence. The Koreans out of Seoul labour up the hills like I do and I can relate to that.

Good Samaritan

Am I the only good Samaritan in this God forsaken but fundamentally Christian country? How can people simply walk on by when they see their fellow citizen, or more pertinently, a fellow human being, collapsed on the pavement and choking on his own vomit?

I put him in the recovery position and scooped vomit from his mouth but would any fucker help me? No. The emergency services cannot speak a word of English. It is admittedly my fault for not knowing enough Korean. Why do I have to scream at passers by saying ‘Fucking help me and call an ambulance’?

Thank God for the woman who stopped and translated for me. She shared my disgust of her fellow citizens. Of course, those Christians who pay hefty dues to their freaky churches in return for social advancement can rest happy in the knowledge that they will go straight to Heaven. I do hope so. M

Korean Logic

Another one for the Korean racist / emotional logic archive. Yesterday, I was traversing a pedestrian crossing with my girlfriend near where I live. One has to be careful in Korea as Koreans can only walk diagonally. Koreans must have some crab genes in them.

As I was crossing, a Korean girl in her mid twenties, walked ‘diagonally’ across me and in so doing, became entangled in my right foot nearly tripping herself up.

Normally, I would leave my foot ‘out there’ to maximise damage but yesterday I was not thinking and there was no intent. My mind was preoccupied with the idiocy of Korean Immigration.

As the Korean recovered from her stumble she rounded on me haranguing me for being rude. I informed her that walking across anyone’s path without excusing oneself was actually rather rude.

She informed me that this was Korea. I actually already knew that. She then told me that it was not America. I already knew that as well because I was born in Great Britain and have lived there for most of my life.

I then proceeded to point at the Manchester United shirt I was wearing at the time and told her that I was from a better country than Korea (most countries are including the DRNK and Japan). Not wishing to antagonise an already tricky international incident further, my valedictory words were ‘Fuck off moron’.

She took her leave but as I waited for a taxi with my girlfriend, she came back for another go which was admittedly quite plucky of her as she was only a little taller than a midget. Two more fuck offs and the finger probably forged her decision to capitulate (as most Koreans do in the face of any international threat).

I do not understand how she perceived that her original act was not rude. That she immediately rationalised this minor incident on racial grounds is worrying but probably symptomatic of some of the problems of this society as a whole. My girlfriend however is Korean and delightful.

Racist Rocks

Even inanimate Korean objects are fundamentally racist and hateful of foreigners. Today, a Korean rock conspired to do approximately GBP500 of damage to my bike. 

The fist size piece of ultra right wing nationalist Korean jurassic rock lay, seemingly innocent, in wait for me at the side of the road one third of the way up the climb of Namhamsanseong.

It pounced suddenly from its idleness and jumped into my spokes doing a complete revolution inside my wheel, scratching my carbon forks [to fuck] and beat the life out three spokes, the resultant effect being an irrevocable buckling of my wheel.

I admit the rock was clever. Korean rocks are – Viet Kong-esque guerillas. It attacked me at the point of no return in my ride far from civilization. And I use the word ‘civilization’ in this country in its most loose sense. To borrow the words of Gordon Ramsay, “Fuck me!”

Morons

I hate people who spell the word ‘supersede’ with a ‘c’. I accept that the word ‘cede’ meaning, inter alia, to yield is spelt with a ‘c’ but the former word is not.

And what is worse, those people (that person) purport to criticise for my mis-spelling of said word whilst holding themselves out as paragons of virtue and English teaching. Fucking idiot.

I hope their ignorance keeps them warm in their beds tonight.

Good Samaritan

I did a short 20 mile training ride to Gwacheon on Saturday evening. It had rained overnight. I did high cadence invervals on the way there.

On the way back, I decided to some speed intervals. I had just completed my first two minute interval and was taking a one minute breather before the next interval. I passed a Korean runner at maybe 20mph and nearly negotiated a slight kink in the road.

My back wheel slid from under me and I slid on my left leg, arse, left shoulder and left elbow on the road with bike still attached into some undergrowth. I did not appreciate that the path was greasy. The torrential overnight rain had combined with the dirt to form a somewhat slick surface on the path.

Still sprawled in the undergrowth bleeding and road burnt, the Korean runner jogged past and did not even look at me. Korea is a largely Christian society.

A minute later another Korean ran up to me and asked in English if I was ok. He took one look at me – and I looked worse than I felt – and recommended that I get patched up. And I duly sough medical attention.

My one regret was that, in the process of my third ‘accident’ in five weeks, was that I was not able to take some Koreans down. M

Gross & Co. Solicitors – Corporate Sponsors

www.gross.co.uk

Thank You

Support For Africa, Patti Boulaye and I would like to say a huge thank you to Bury St Edmunds based solicitors, Gross & Co. I approached partner, Jonathan Cobbold this week with a view to seeking corporate sponsorship for B2B. He agreed immediately.

Jonathan and I are both commercial solicitors. We have always been on opposite sides of transactions but we have been friends and best of professional pals for many years.

Jonathan said that it was a fantastic cause to support and berated me at the same time for having such a barking idea! Typical Jonathan, who always has boundless enthusiasm and energy! I suspect he is a little jealous. A keen hiker, I have not told him yet about my plans to climb Kilimanjaro next year. 

Gross & Co. Solicitors are a general legal practice providing a full range of services to businesses and individuals alike. Gross & Co. is also one of the country’s leading business immigration practices with celebrity clients including world famous golfers, footballers etc.

Toilet Rolls and Crazy Korean drivers

Human life is about as important as toilet rolls to Korean drivers, actually a little less. An Opirus is a crap, ugly sedan car. Like most Korean middle ranking executive cars, Opiri (I assume that is the Latin plural), are quite fast in a straight line but cannot turn corners. Koreans are also incapable of driving manual cars, hence these cars are effectively powerful go-karts, aka executive instruments of death.

I was walking back from the supermarket yesterday with my girlfriend. Seemingly, you can only buy toilet rolls in bulk here and I was carrying a bag of some forty eight toilet rolls in my right hand. The street on which I live is wide enough for one car only to pass and it is lined with children playing. It is some 200 meters long.

An Opirus driver ‘floored it’ at one end of the street in a pointless exercise to save approximately two seconds of time before having to brake fiercely at the other end. He honked for my girlfriend and I to get out of the way. I did not yield. I threw the toilet rolls at his windscreen. He stopped. He did not get out because I was wearing my Great Britain T-shirt and he is a pussy. I would have been deported if the shoe were on the other foot. M

Cycling Hero

My new cycling hero is veteran cyclist, Ian Benton. It used to be Lance Armstrong but somewhat compelling (but as yet untested) evidence has led me to believe that he allegedly used performance enhancing drugs systematically throughout his cycling career.

 

Ian also takes drugs, namely Warforin (otherwise used to poison rats), a performance reducing drug which thins the blood and presumably depletes the red blood cell count. And he also cycles pathologically.

 

He recently spent three weeks in Pilgrim Hospital, Boston, England with a suspected heart attack.  He then spent a further ten days in a leading coronary hospital in Leicester, also in England during which he had a somewhat ghastly exploratory operation, the results of which proved inconclusive.

 

Whilst hospitalized, he was prevented by the medical staff from travelling further than ten meters in his ward, other than by wheelchair, for fear of a heart attack.

 

Some two weeks following his release, deranged and reputedly saying, “Put me back on my bike”, he completed Co-operation Ireland, a 160 mile ride in two days. The first day comprised a ninety mile ride over some fairly brutal hills in Northern Ireland. The second day was a somewhat more sedate 70 mile outing.

 

The UCI is apparently investigating matters and both parties have instructed expert legal counsel. Former cycling ace and fervent anti-drugs campaigner, Greg Lemond, declined to comment when questioned outside his Los Angeles home. My dad remains my cycling hero.